diamonds on the inside

MLW requested that I drop some American Idol on your aces. So consider this an early mother's day gift. And to all you non Idol readers...I apologize in advance, this is going to be lengthy.

They're down to the final five, and they're singing two songs each. Tonight's mentor...the legendary Neil Diamond. Tonigh should have been awesome. (emphasis on should have)

First up, Jason Castro. I've decided he should grow some facial hair. It would help him look more like a man, instead some sort of female anomaly. His pre-song segment with Neil was typical Castro. He acted like he just came from an advanced screening of Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay. This kid is never prepared and never seems to take this seriously. He's a typical slacker. Oh yeah, he sung "Forever in Bluejeans", which I like, but he was monotone and boring.

Seacrest then explains that the show is going to be tight for time and the judges will comment after they sing both songs. Uh oh...Paula's going to have to take notes. I doubt she remembered how she got to the show, let alone how someone sounded five songs ago.

Next, David Cook underwhelmed me with some adult alternative version of some Neil Diamond song I've never heard of. He's MLW's favorite. I've refereed to him as "Daughtry-lite" all season. I couldn't take him seriously early this year because his hair was combed from the back of his head to the front. I assumed he was trying to hide his male pattern baldness. (believe me, I'm painfully aware of this condition) Thank God the stylists got a hold of him.

I have a pretty good idea of what songs the contestants will choose occasionally. There was no doubt in my mind that the annoying nanny, Brooke White, would be singing the annoying Monkey's song from Shrek. She sucks.

Speaking of sucks, next up was the so called muppet prodigy, David Archuleta. I don't get it. I don't get how the judges think he's so talented. He's annoying to watch, and even worse to listen to. John McCain was pleasantly surprised that he was not forced to listen to Archuleta on an endless loop while a POW. Some might think I'm being too hard on this prepubescent gnome, but he killed one of Neil Diamond's most recognizable songs, "Sweet Caroline". And for that HE should be a Vietcong POW.

Last of the first round was Syesha. She wore hair extensions and looked like The Fresh Prince's sister. I like her better with her afro puffs. Speaking of Fresh Prince, was there anything funnier than when Carlton Banks would do his white man dance? No need to answer. Rhetorical question.

Next Seacrest calls all the idols out on to the stage. He reminds the judges of the time constraint and quickly asks them to recap the first round. I paused the tivo, knowing that the impossible has just been asked to Paula. Randy gives some typical Randy feed back, I don't remember, and I don't care.

Then Paula starts to critic Jason Castro. This was pure magic. "Oh gosh, we've never had to write these things down...uh fast enough." (picture me on the edge of the couch in anticipation) "First song I loved hearing your lower register, which we never really hear...uhm, your second song...I felt like your usual charm...wasn't...it was missing for me...it kind of left me a little empty. And the uh...the two songs didn't make me feel like you were fighting hard enough to get into the top four."

Ooooooookay. I'll have what she's having. Either someone's been messing with Paula's abacus or she's found Bill and Ted's phone booth and has witnessed the future. Seacrest was caught looking off to the side of the stage with a, "Can you believe the S that is coming out of her mouth" look on his face. Simon, used to the insanity that is Paula, tried to reel her in with questions that should require one word answers. The time left for Simon's critique was minimal, but as usual, he was on the money. I do like when he doesn't kiss ass to David A. (he called him amateurish)

It's getting late and this is getting ridiculous. Speed round for the second songs...

Jason Castro- Still stoned. Still forgettable.

David Cook- Much better then the first song. Still didn't recognize it, but I'm a sucker for songs that start slow and then swell into some sort of rock song. I feel this could have been on the Top Gun soundtrack.

You're dangerous!

Brooke White- Speaking of much better, this is what she should stick to. I figured she'd have to have one good performance like this from one of the songs from his catalog. It's tailor made for a singer-song writer type. She still needs to learn to keep her mouth shut when it's time for judging.

Gayvid Archuletta- Neil doesn't have any slow adult contemporary ballads (I'm more than likely making that stat up), so I knew he'd choose this song. ("America") Somewhere Kristy Lee Cook was rolling her eyes. Also, I wish Andrew Loyd Webber would come back and tell him to go ahead and shut his eyes when he sings...what bad advice getting him to open them. I feel like I'm staring into a soulless uncomfortable black hole when his eyes are open. Where the other David excels at rearranging the music and making it contemporary and semi-interesting, Archie is the exact opposite. I have no idea what demographic he's good for. Kid's programming? His arrangements sound like "Zack Attack", Zack Morris's band from "Saved by the Bell". And sadly that's the best example I can pull to try and explain his "sound".


Syesha- She seemed to have fun. Still miss the afro puffs. Wish I was eating cocoa puffs. (so does Jason Castro)

For all the talk of this being the most talented group ever, I just don't see it. And to anyone that actually stuck through and read this entire thing...pat yourself on the back and ask your boss for a raise. That couldn't have been easy. I feel icky and need to take a rape shower. Thinking about AI this much will do that to you.