the greatest day of the year!

Ahhhhh....you smell that?...no not that...sorry that was my dog...no really....I swear it was him...he's awful...like a rotten kidney bean factory...no whiff this...ahhhh...you smell that...hot dogs, warm beer, peanuts....this monday is Opening Day!!!! Is there a greater day for mass optimism? Everyone feels their team has a chance. (well, almost everyone...sorry Baltimore and Pittsburgh fans) I love opening day and wish that there were more afternoon ball games through out the year. It really should be a national holiday.

You know what's not cool? Having teams start their season in Japan. Then come home. Then play some more exhibition games. That is dumb. Very, very, very dumb. I don't even have to justify it with any fancier terms, it's just that cut and dry. No one can argue my point. You know, why? Cause they're wrong. (and stupid) It'd be one of those no win situations you often hear about when arguing with your significant others or nuns, only this time I'd be right win.

I expect to watch a lot of Mets/ Phils games with Dr. T and the guys this summer and yell at the TV a lot, and/or storm out of his (or even my) house after Billy Wagner gives up a 3 run lead in the ninth for the 12th time this season. See THAT's how optimistic I am?!

why didn't I think of this first?!!!

This is either genius...or super genius. (no gray area people.)

e bits

***Maybe it's just me, but I'm incredibly creeped out by the Cheesy Beefy Melt commercial from Taco Bell:

Who's the ad genius that green lit this veiled pornographic vignette? Sick.

***Coming from the "things I should keep to myself department": Have you ever gained a nemesis from a fictional source? No. Stupid question right? Well the Columbus Blue Jackets have recently slashed there way onto my s list. I was playing some NHL the other day and they high-sticked me for a total of 28 penalty minutes! Seriously, all 14 penalties were for high-sticking. If I ever cross paths with Rick Nash in real life, rest assured he's going to be hip checked through the nearest pane of glass.

***Speaking of a veiled pornographic vignette, a special thanks to Ira who sent these arousing photos my way today:

There is no excuse for my unabashed fanboy love for this movie which may or may not be awesome. (pleasebeawesome, pleasebeawesome, pleasebeawesome....)

***Another on the horizon type thing that I'd be remiss not to mention. I am beyond pumped to be going to see one of the greatest live rock performance around again. Always a memorable evening.

the cheese's gut feeling movie reviews

First recurring segment alert!

For those who aren't familiar with the general idea of this, check out the wildly successful first segment here.

Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns

First, let me start by saying that anyone who needs to proceed the title of their film with their own name is a pretentious ass. I believe it's obvious as to why it was done though. With out "Tyler Perry" in front of this pile of monkey dung, I believe that no one would give 2-3 rats behinds about this watered down, pandering to the lowest common denominator, raw sewage. If it's half as good as "Tyler Perry's House of Pain", I'd only feel like skewering one testicle before crushing it in a vice clamp instead of two. Of course it was #2 in the box office this past weekend. I hate living in a country full of dumb asses.

Drillbit Taylor

A wiser and much funnier man than myself pointed out that this is the movie where Owen Wilson tried to kill himself. That fact alone conveys how much confidence he had in this Judd Apatow produced film. Although I'm a fan of both Apatow and Wilson, I think Owen probably had a good idea, and would rather cut myself then waste my money on this piece of cinematic magic.

21

This is a movie that has my gut feeling very uncertain. On one hand it stars Morpheus and Kaiser Soze, on the other hand I actually read this book (gasp!) and thoroughly enjoyed it. I also know that most book adaptations do not do the book justice. Perhaps if I wasn't such studious stud and only relied on clever Garfield comics as daily fodder for my ever expanding cranium, I'd feel better about the prospects of this. That being said, I'd give it a shot, and hope for the best. Pull and pray as some may say.

The Hammer

This movie is going to be a tough find as it is currently only released on limited screens. (it was only on 20 screens last weekend) If you can find a way to get to it, I'd highly suggest that you do. Even if it means crossing state lines...that's how good this movie is going to be. It's got so many great aspects wrapped into one movie that studios were afraid to distribute it for fear of not knowing how to market it. So if you're looking for a good sports movie wrapped with a romantic comedy that you can go to with your buds, or take a date to and be equally satisfied with the results, then this is the film for you. (and by "satisfied with the results", I of course mean you're going to score afterwards.) Plus it stars one funny, quit witted mf'er that I think would be fun to spend a few hours with. Don't be left out, I have a funny feeling this is the early contender for next years Oscar for Picture of the Year...if not the Nobel Peace Prize.

Tuesday Morning Laughs

wicker madness

What. The. H.

Listen. Many of my family collect a certain brand of basket, and I'm fine with that. Not my cup of tea, Kool-Aid or malt liquor, but I understand that everyone needs a hobby. It may be hypocritical of me to judge, because some might say I've had some questionable collections during my life...but surprise, I'm going to go ahead and judge anyhow.

The guy above should be drawn and quartered like William Wallace for agreeing to model this atrocity. There is no amount of money you could pay me to wear a picnic basket as a messenger bag. (And I'm not even going to acknowledge my feelings on soccer when detailing my dislike for the above scenario.) Speaking of money, how much would it cost me to purchase such a masculine accessory? $50? $100 How about $200!!! I guess $200 isn't too bad to go parading around looking like such a stud. (emphasis on parade and stud...wink, wink) Listen, I'm not insinuating that David Hernandez keeps his banana hammocks "pizza bistro uniforms" in this gem of a product...I'm just saying that I think it's ridiculous.

Come on, just think what you or I would spend $200 on. A down payment for a new flat screen TV? A few games for PS3? Perhaps you're thinking, "I bet he didn't buy it, I think his significant other did.". Listen, if MLW bought this for me, I would immediately drive her to the lawyers and ask for a divorce. If not there, I'd for sure be admitting her to some sort of intense psychiatric evaluations.

Where will the wickerization of this nation stop? Seriously, what's next? Will this company not be satisfied until I'm pissing in a wicker urinal at my next sporting event, or writhing in pain after a wicker cup failed to protect the family jewel's from a screaming line drive to the crotch? This is an issue I'd like Barrack, Hilary or McCain to address. It certainly might sway me in deciding our next Commander in Chief. I'm sure I'm not alone in this sentiment.

Some of you may not agree with my assesment...that's great, I'd be genuinely concerned, if not mildly disturbed, if everyone agreed with my every thought and whim. (although it would be nice if it happened more than once a year at home) *cough* I guarantee those that don't agree with me are currently pondering what pattern of liner would look nice in that urinal.

spring bistro

I was going to post about Dick's Cabaret legend, David Hernandez, claiming to work at a "pizza bistro", but my man hood is probably already questionable due to the mere fact that I'm subjecting myself to American Idol. Also it's probably already been discussed at length on other sites .

Here's an amusing exceprt:
David Hernandez finally makes the night interesting by claiming that he used to work at a pizza bistro. OK, kids, "pizza bistro" is the new code word for strip club. Apparently, David attends the Carly Smithson school of lying, where if you say something, it automatically becomes true no matter how silly it sounds. So when David was working at the "pizza bistro", men would stuff ones and fives into his "pizza pocket" for "an extra slice." David would happily oblige, because after all, any good "pizza bistro" knows that the happy and "hungry" clientele always come back. This mysterious "pizza bistro" was not shown in David's interview package though. Why is this? We saw Ramiele pouring soy sauce. We saw Brooke being a nanny. We saw Carly pouring beer. In fact, the other 11 contestants all had cute video of them going to school, working, and doing other things. Maybe "pizza bistros" do not allow cameras inside their facilities. You know... so the "secret recipe" doesn't get out. David is also proud to be from the same city as Jorbacca Sparks, and when he sings "She was just seventeen" as the first line in "I Saw Her Standing There," I had horrible flashbacks to last season. David performs terribly awful in a campy way, but it's not fun campy like Danny Noriega. It's lame campy like a closeted gay stripper. Even Paula couldn't compliment his performance, saying he overdid it. Simon calls it "corny verging on desperate." Maybe the "pizza bistro" man used "too much cheese."

Seeing as I said I wasn't going to talk about that and just spent half a page doing the exact opposite, here is my "real post":

No longer devil'n Rays and Yanks Rumble:

That's going to leave a mark.

D@mnit! ESPN changed their write up on this game, the previous write up talked all about this huuuuuuuuuuge Yanks/ Devil Rays rivalry. They mentioned this vast rivalry about 4 or 5 times. I guess the editor got a hold of it. I'm under the assumption that one team has to be decent at least once or twice in its existence to be involved in a rivalry...and decent doesn't come close to describing the Rays.

This is what I get for waiting to get home to blog. Serves me right for taking work seriously. Mark my word, next time I'm at the "pizza bistro" shaking my money maker and have an idea... you betcha I'll be barfing that idea straight out of my cerebellum.

and because we need some testosterone after those last two posts...

leftovers

Not to turn into a celeb gossip site, but I found this picture amusing, plus MLW will like to look at the picture. (even though I shouldn't even be throwing her a bone for her TO comment)

Tony Romo hangs out with not one, but two of Jessica Simpson's ex's. AWWWWKWARD.....
Seriously, look how comfortable Dane Cook, Romo and John Mayer are all in the same room. Do you think they talked about things like, how sometimes Jessica accidentally locks her self in the shower, only the shower just has a curtain? Or how they have to let her win at Candy Land just to help her self esteem? Or how creepy it is when her dad gives them pointers in the sack?
(That dude is just too involved in her life. My opinion for what it's worth.)

surprise, surprise, surprise...

I'm sure you've all seen this news by now (and I'm sure you don't care):

shocker

American Idol contestant, David Hernandez, once worked as an adult entertainer at Dick's Cabaret in Phoenix, appearing fully nude and performing lap dances for the club's "mostly male" clientele, strip club manager Gordy Bryan told the AP on Monday.

Reeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally?!! I honestly doubt this will be the last time we hear a story of this nature from this season's crop of guys. Just a hunch. Also, do you think the clientele that wasn't "mostly male" were misguided by the "confusing" name of the club? Right, it's probably named after long time owner Richard Codpiece.

speaking of being in shape

I stumbled upon this jackass in a French ad:


This is pretty much what I see when I look in the mirror...only blacker.

weekend update

If you wondering if this post was titled, "weekend update" so I had an excuse to put a Norm picture up...well, you might be on to something. Even though, this is technically a blog, I try not to get too bloggy with it. I mean, my life simply isn't that interesting. (as opposed to the other nonsense that finds its way on here right?)

So I've been battling the plague a little this past weekend. I'm not sure which one it is...black death? Bubonic? Bird flu? Tough to say. I do know that my road to recovery may have taken a step or two backwards when I decided to play some street hockey with Dr. T and the guys on Saturday afternoon in a fairly unforgiving climate. It was a tad gusty out. Fortunately I had my Al Qaeda mask to cover my face and save my lungs from burning more than necessary.

Was it worth it? Uhhh...we won 17-2...you tell me. See, Dr. T's younger brothers and their friends/ one time acquaintances that look decent at hockey, challenge us once or twice a year to an "old vs. young" game. Each time we go out there, we expect the score to be closer. All us "old" guys are around the 30 year mark, and don't practice at all or play that often. For some of us, this is our quarterly exercise! Where the "young" play more frequently and should be in much better shape then us. (if not us, definitely me) And each time we play them the score gets more and more lopsided.

I don't want to sound like we could take on the 1980 Soviets...but if we had a Delorean with a Flux Capacitor, you betcha it'd be game on Ruskies.