diamonds on the inside

MLW requested that I drop some American Idol on your aces. So consider this an early mother's day gift. And to all you non Idol readers...I apologize in advance, this is going to be lengthy.

They're down to the final five, and they're singing two songs each. Tonight's mentor...the legendary Neil Diamond. Tonigh should have been awesome. (emphasis on should have)

First up, Jason Castro. I've decided he should grow some facial hair. It would help him look more like a man, instead some sort of female anomaly. His pre-song segment with Neil was typical Castro. He acted like he just came from an advanced screening of Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay. This kid is never prepared and never seems to take this seriously. He's a typical slacker. Oh yeah, he sung "Forever in Bluejeans", which I like, but he was monotone and boring.

Seacrest then explains that the show is going to be tight for time and the judges will comment after they sing both songs. Uh oh...Paula's going to have to take notes. I doubt she remembered how she got to the show, let alone how someone sounded five songs ago.

Next, David Cook underwhelmed me with some adult alternative version of some Neil Diamond song I've never heard of. He's MLW's favorite. I've refereed to him as "Daughtry-lite" all season. I couldn't take him seriously early this year because his hair was combed from the back of his head to the front. I assumed he was trying to hide his male pattern baldness. (believe me, I'm painfully aware of this condition) Thank God the stylists got a hold of him.

I have a pretty good idea of what songs the contestants will choose occasionally. There was no doubt in my mind that the annoying nanny, Brooke White, would be singing the annoying Monkey's song from Shrek. She sucks.

Speaking of sucks, next up was the so called muppet prodigy, David Archuleta. I don't get it. I don't get how the judges think he's so talented. He's annoying to watch, and even worse to listen to. John McCain was pleasantly surprised that he was not forced to listen to Archuleta on an endless loop while a POW. Some might think I'm being too hard on this prepubescent gnome, but he killed one of Neil Diamond's most recognizable songs, "Sweet Caroline". And for that HE should be a Vietcong POW.

Last of the first round was Syesha. She wore hair extensions and looked like The Fresh Prince's sister. I like her better with her afro puffs. Speaking of Fresh Prince, was there anything funnier than when Carlton Banks would do his white man dance? No need to answer. Rhetorical question.

Next Seacrest calls all the idols out on to the stage. He reminds the judges of the time constraint and quickly asks them to recap the first round. I paused the tivo, knowing that the impossible has just been asked to Paula. Randy gives some typical Randy feed back, I don't remember, and I don't care.

Then Paula starts to critic Jason Castro. This was pure magic. "Oh gosh, we've never had to write these things down...uh fast enough." (picture me on the edge of the couch in anticipation) "First song I loved hearing your lower register, which we never really hear...uhm, your second song...I felt like your usual charm...wasn't...it was missing for me...it kind of left me a little empty. And the uh...the two songs didn't make me feel like you were fighting hard enough to get into the top four."

Ooooooookay. I'll have what she's having. Either someone's been messing with Paula's abacus or she's found Bill and Ted's phone booth and has witnessed the future. Seacrest was caught looking off to the side of the stage with a, "Can you believe the S that is coming out of her mouth" look on his face. Simon, used to the insanity that is Paula, tried to reel her in with questions that should require one word answers. The time left for Simon's critique was minimal, but as usual, he was on the money. I do like when he doesn't kiss ass to David A. (he called him amateurish)

It's getting late and this is getting ridiculous. Speed round for the second songs...

Jason Castro- Still stoned. Still forgettable.

David Cook- Much better then the first song. Still didn't recognize it, but I'm a sucker for songs that start slow and then swell into some sort of rock song. I feel this could have been on the Top Gun soundtrack.

You're dangerous!

Brooke White- Speaking of much better, this is what she should stick to. I figured she'd have to have one good performance like this from one of the songs from his catalog. It's tailor made for a singer-song writer type. She still needs to learn to keep her mouth shut when it's time for judging.

Gayvid Archuletta- Neil doesn't have any slow adult contemporary ballads (I'm more than likely making that stat up), so I knew he'd choose this song. ("America") Somewhere Kristy Lee Cook was rolling her eyes. Also, I wish Andrew Loyd Webber would come back and tell him to go ahead and shut his eyes when he sings...what bad advice getting him to open them. I feel like I'm staring into a soulless uncomfortable black hole when his eyes are open. Where the other David excels at rearranging the music and making it contemporary and semi-interesting, Archie is the exact opposite. I have no idea what demographic he's good for. Kid's programming? His arrangements sound like "Zack Attack", Zack Morris's band from "Saved by the Bell". And sadly that's the best example I can pull to try and explain his "sound".


Syesha- She seemed to have fun. Still miss the afro puffs. Wish I was eating cocoa puffs. (so does Jason Castro)

For all the talk of this being the most talented group ever, I just don't see it. And to anyone that actually stuck through and read this entire thing...pat yourself on the back and ask your boss for a raise. That couldn't have been easy. I feel icky and need to take a rape shower. Thinking about AI this much will do that to you.

turn off the lights, the party's over

Last night, my beloved Boston Bruins season came to a crashing halt, thanks to the All European Diving Team Montreal Canadiens. You're all breathing a sigh of relief, hoping that the frequent NHL posts will now die down. (you may be right)

I entered this season on a mission to regain interest in the NHL. I had low hopes for the mighty B's, as they have been less then stellar the past few seasons, and have done a masterful job of trading away, or allowing all their high profile players to sign elsewhere. It is tough to root for them at times. But I guess that's what makes you a fan. Sticking with your team during the lows and the highs. (right Philadelphia sports fans?)

As I mentioned briefly in a previous post, I purchased the NHL Center Ice package so I could watch my out of town team, and any other big games that weren't nationally televised. Hold on to your pants...there wasn't a plethora of nationally televised games. (one of the many issues with the current set up of the NHL. This may be a topic for a combined Cheese and Dr. T post in the near future)

To further drive our self interest back into a sport we really enjoy, the good Doctor and I set up a fantasy hockey league. Needless to say all of us involved were clueless as to who we were drafting or what stats were good. The combination of the fantasy interest, and a scrappy Bruins team overcoming injuries and making it to the playoffs, made for a very enjoyable season for me.

Unfortunately that enjoyment came to an abrupt stop last night. I knew this was going to happen though. The Sports Guy, who loves everything about Boston, divorced himself from the Bruins years ago. So what bandwagon did he decide to jump on yesterday and write an article about? You guessed it. He jumped on so hard, that after 6 games he decided he might want to get a jersey of the player I've been raving about all season. I knew then that we were doomed. It was a massacre. A Boston Massacre. If that didn't make the night hard enough...well, I don't even have the heart to get into the fiasco it was finding a way to follow the game last night, due to mega lame NHL blackout rules. I just googled "Versus Sucks" and got 367,000 results. I might not be alone in this feeling.

Dr. T is in the same situation I was in, with the Flyers having a big game 7 tonight. You know the NHL wants Ovechkin vs. Crosby in the Eastern Finals, so hopefully the refs aren't too whistle happy on the Flyers tonight. Misery loves company, so when they get bounced, feel free to come over and we'll light ourselves on fire.

Since my hockey posts may be light from here on out, I'll leave you with two more youtube gems:

Here's a 13 year old kid with some sick moves. (link courtesy of Ira)



Here's some local AHL action....Hershey Bear/ Philly Phantoms lovefest

Happy erf day

Some people plant trees on Earth Day. I say, what the hell are you supposed to do on Arbor Day if you waste your tree planting on Earth Day? Thankfully my Dad wanted to do something else to celebrate this momentous occasion.

We cut down trees.

(Lots of them.)

(For eight hours.)

(Maybe nine.)

Don't worry, we just cut down the ugly ones. We saved the blond hair, blue eyed ones. He called it the "Final Solution" for his tree row. My gut told me there was a more nefarious meaning for this term, but unfortunately, like most mainstream news, fact checking is not a strong suit of this site.

Cut. It. Out.

At what point do "celebrities" throw their hands up and go, "I don't give an S. I'm going to start wearing recycled table cloths and drapes from the late 60's."? At first I thought she was putting a retro spin on a Jawa outfit.

But why mess with perfection? And is she wearing a head band or did a photo-shopper do a bad MS Paint job and try to make it look like she had received a lobotomy? If it is a sweatband, I feel confident in saying that the entire Denver Nuggets could share it for the duration of an NBA game and it still wouldn't be over saturated. For real, that monstrosity would soak up 80 - 95% of the Red Sea. I sincerely hope she's dressed like that due to the fact that she was attending a Jessie and the Rippers concert. Have mercy indeed.

Missed Opportunity

I don't know what ESPN was thinking, but they had the Sports Guy, Bill Simmons, all lined up to do a podcast interview with Barack Obama...and then they pulled the plug on the idea. Sure the source is the Daily News Gossip section, but that has to be more reliable than the Harrisburg Patriot Fan Line right? We're missing a golden opportunity to hear Simmons ask Obama about their shared interests in poker, basketball and quitting smoking. I would hope that he would have brought up his distrust for reformed smokers, because he feels they spend a good portion of their life lying about where they were going or what they were doing only to grab a quick smoke.

Wonder why ESPN decided against the interview?

ESPN spokesman Josh Krulewitz told us: "It's absolutely not an issue about any one candidate. Our position is that when they're down to the final two candidates, we'll look for options to interview each accordingly. Fans don't expect political coverage on our air.

Hey guess what? Fans also don't expect to turn on "Baseball Tonight" and hear Eric Young or Fernando Vina give their expert advice. What the F. Bring back Herold Reynolds please! Who cares if he hugged someone inappropriately. My ears have been violated by Berman and Vitale for the last three decades, I'd call that a fair swap.

Also, is that really a reason to not have one of your most entertaining employees interview one of the most intriguing figures in America right now. I suppose the real reason for shutting down the interview is so that they could focus more attention on their next big idea, ala "Who's NOW?", or "The Greatest Highlight". Because...yeah, those were awesome.

I did some digging and found a security camera image of their top brass hard at work:

I feel like this may explain a lot.

drop the links, drop the links

Troubled souls unite... here are a few interesting links of the past few days:

1. Here's a list of the 50 greatest comedy sketches of all time. I of course love that there are a handful of State sketches, (Porcupine Racetrack anyone?!) but the list feels a little heavy on early SNL nostalgia near the top of the list. I'm sure they were classics at the time, but they seem a bit dated now. I'm not sure many skits hold up over time, or over extended viewings and perhaps that's my problem with Land Shark, Consumer Probe, Coneheads, etc., being ranked so high.

2. Scorned LoverPresidential hopeful, Hilary Clinton continues to make the comedy rounds finding time in her schedule to make an appearance on the Colbert Report. The Colbert Report is filming from Philadelphia this week, as the PA primaries draw near. She undoubtedly is looking for the "Colbert Bump" that so masterfully helped Mike Huckabee win the Republican nomination , look like a serious candidate, and appear likable.

3. Pudding aficionado, Bill Cosby, is scheduled to release a hip-hop cd in May. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that Steven Keaton, and Dr. Jason Seaver release competing cd's so that we can have an 80's Dad rap war. Things are a little stale since Biggie and Tupac passed.

Word.

4. Artie Lang quits the Stern show? After getting into an on-air brawl with an assistant, Artie may have quit. Though not a huge Stern guy, I did listen to him from time to time when he was on local radio about 7 years ago. I had a interest in listening to Artie since he had recently starred in one of my favorite movies, 'Dirty Work'. (severely underrated Norm MacDonald "masterpiece") Artie was a guest on Adam Carolla's radio show last week and seemed agitated and tired, and not all that funny. (unless you're into racist, homophobic humor) He has a documented history of dealing with drugs, so hopefully we're not looking at another Farley situation here. Unfortunately the show is on vacation this week, so no one knows for sure if he truly has quit the show or not.

Hidden Treasures

By now I'm sure most of you have heard about the attempted curse that was thwarted in the new Yankee Stadium construction that was in the form of a David Ortiz jersey.

This got me thinking...always a dangerous occurrence...what else may have been buried through out history to achieve curses and jinxes? This is what I discovered:

1. The Harlem Globetrotters buried one of Curly Neal and Meadowlark Lemon's shoes underneath the home of the Washington Generals.

2. The Road Runner buried some acme brand fire crackers under Wile E. Coyote's adobe.

3. Slash entombed one of his hats under Axel Rose's mansion, thus delaying 'Chinese Democracy' for decades.

4. Recently a bunker was exhumed beneath France with the military uniforms of every other nation in the world. Yes, Kazakhstan's looked like so:

5. Daniel-san's head band has been unearthed beneath the Cobra Kai dojo.

6. And finally, it is rumored that Tom Cruise's sanity is buried somewhere deep beneath the Ron L. Hubbard launch pad.

Maverick come back. The Iceman needs a wingman. (or at the very least a volleyball partner)

In other, other news

Lindsay Lohan has agreed to appear completely nude in her upcoming film Florence in order to prove she is a "serious actress." She will be playing a nymphomaniac waitress and will be drawing from the deep reserves of talent and experience exemplified in her previous roles as a "pole-dancer" in I Know Who Killed Me and two different people that look alike in The Parent Trap. Asked about the difficulty of transitioning from playing a "pole-dancer" to a "nymphomaniac waitress" she said "I'm just happy I'm not driving that bucking fitch* Herbie."

*edited by the cheese so that work readers do not get this site blocked from their goofing off viewing pleasure.

The Minister of Truth and Love

In a stunning rebuke the Minister of Truth and Love Vice President Dick Cheney called Pastor Jeremiah Wright's comments from the pulpit "absolutely appalling" in a recent interview on The Sean Hannity Show. As you may well know, Pastor Wright had been Senator Barack Obama's pastor for much of his adult life. Apparently, Pastor Wright had been making his congregation watch the same 30 second clip on Youtube for more than 20 years; he hadn't talked about or done anything else the whole time.

In other news: In a series of meetings discussing CIA interrogation techniques of suspected terrorists and freedom haters, the highest ranking official in the room, Vice President Dick Cheney, approved the "enhanced" interrogation techniques in order to protect liberty and justice for all.

Let me take a moment to introduce myself!

My name is Tom Servo, Esq. You may remember me as a character from one of the best television shows of all time, Mystery Science Theater 3000 (MST3K). After the Satellite of Love returned to the Earth in 1999, I decided to pursue my first love, the law. I enrolled at the Liberty University School of Law and earned my juris doctorate in 2006 after 6 years of part time classes. During that time, I supported myself as a line cook at Chuck E. Cheese in Roanoke and pursued, chased even, my third love, small children.

Actually, I hate the little buggers; but I do like food. And Chuck E. Cheese was the only place that would hire a 2.5 foot tall gumball machine. When I graduated from Liberty University School of Law in 2006 and tried to get a job in my hometown Mechanicsburg, Pennsylvania, I realized why they were the only place to respond to my 35 law school applications (each with their $75 fee attached). The damn school isn't accredited.

Now, after passing the Virginia bar exam, I have to practice law in Virginia for 5 years until I can practice anywhere else. For the time being, I practice law in Virginia and try to make it home to Pennsylvania as often as I can. Sometimes, if the work is slow, I'll pick up a few shifts at Chuck E. Cheese on the side. I sometimes dream of opening my own restaurant in Pennsylvania.

November 10, 2011. It couldn't come soon enough.

In the meantime, I will be posting things on this blog to keep in touch with those of you at home and as an extension of my ongoing pursuit of my three loves (currently, in no particular order), food, movies and the law (which occasionally include politics).

Site News

Hello all. Surprise, MLW has not disposed of me yet. (I'm taking precautions though) You may have noticed a slight decrease in the frequency of posts lately. I fear this will only get worse as the summer progress. (or if MLW finally buries me in a pit of lime out back) So to help keep this site updated, avoid constant Mets/ Phils posts, and maybe add some high brow commentary to the site, please help me welcome tom servo, esq.

So...what can you expect out of tom servo, esq.?

Very. Very. Little.

Just kidding, I expect obscure french horror movie reviews...maybe some culinary commentary, and perhaps a smattering of interesting political insight. For example, you may see posts combining a local political scandal with an Arrested Development bit.

Barclay for County's first combined Analysts and Therapist position. Other wise known as an:

(allegedly)

Hopefully I didn't steal your first post idea Tom. Truthfully, as you all know, this site has no rhyme or reason, no format or consistency, and I hope he helps keep up with this proud tradition of suburban mediocrity.

Cave Dwelling

I had just finished a terrible stretch of long busy days two nights ago and I found myself alone in my temporary man cave. (it will be upgraded to man cave 2.0 at some point in my life) I was flicking back and forth between the Bruins/ Devils game and the Mets/ Marlins game, while watching the Flyers/ Penguins game on the top tv. It was glorious!!! If you are someone like me...no, not incredibly kickass and awesome...but if you have out of town sports teams, the only way to watch them is to buy the sports package or wait for them to play the local team.

We interrupt this train of thought for a side rant:

Well the NHL season is winding down and I'm hoping the Bruins can claw their way into the playoffs. Unfortunately for the Bruins (and Flyers) they're playing teams like the Devils, Senators and Penguins (teams that already clinched playoff spots), and the team nipping at their heels to knock them out of the playoffs (the Capitals) are playing Tampa Gay Bay, and Florida. Two franchises that shouldn't even be in existence! Hockey + Florida = D.U.M.B. squared, times the square root of asinine.

End side rant.

Needless to say I don't have many Bruins games left to watch, so I'm all jacked up to watch my beloved Mets. Only I can't, because I live in South-Central Pennsylvania. (the PA equivalent of Watts, CA...which is weird, because I heard Watts, PA is the CA equivalent of San Diego, which we all know is German for a whales vajayjay.) And no, that's not a Hartford reference.

Breakfast, shmreakfast. Look at the score for Christ's sake. It's only the 2 period and I'm up 12 to 2. Breakfast comes and goes Renee, but Hartford, "The WHALE". They only beat Vancouver once maybe twice in a lifetime.

What's my solution? Order the MLB package right?

I first consult with Dr. T, and send him a text. I ask him if the current special is worth it for the baseball package. The always wise, (except for his baseball allegiance) Dr. T explains that it's less then $1/ game. That's all the convincing I needed. (if I needed any at all) I mean with that logic a Cambodian would be hard pressed to turn down that offer.

Now the tricky part. How do I convince MLW that this is a good idea? Do I just buy it and she'll be none the wiser? No, that's what I did for the NHL package. (Hi Amy!) I'll have to be a little more creative.

So I ask her if she thinks it's a good idea to order the MLB package. Shockingly her answer was, "Go to hell you mf'er!", which was as jaw dropping as you would imagine. And by that, I mean I knocked her jaw off. Just kidding, that would have been shocking. She didn't think it was as wise of a financial move as I did. I then ask, if I call our lovely cable provider and get them to give us some sort of discount if she'd be agreeable. The always level headed, never irrational MLW, answered, "If you can make it so our monthly payments don't change, then you can."

EXXXXXXXXXCELLENT!!!!!

As it turns out, I was already on the phone earlier that day with our cable provider. I noticed that we were charged $34 for a "one time installation charge". They admitted that it was an error (shocker!), and we'd get a credit. While I had them on the phone, I decided to nicely explain to them that I thought their prices were a bit steep for internet and cable. She looked and (hold onto your pants) SURPRISE she found a discount for me. We're now getting our internet about $11 cheaper per month, and our cable about $21 cheaper per month. (fact finders, I don't have the exact figures in front of me...sorry)

So there you have it. The Cheese will be watching some MLB this summer. Feel free to stop by, often and always.