hey is this thing on?!

Okay, I'll be the first to admit, this blog has been lacking something lately. I can't seem to put my finger on it though....

Hmmmmm....

Oh right...updates. My bad.

I have a life.


Just kidding, I have a cold. And work has been fairly interesting this week. Plus I'm trying to sell my childhood on ebay. Well I guess I shouldn't call it "childhood", but it sounds better than "right after college, when you make more money than you ever had before and you spend money on stupid 'S' and now wish you had that money back hood."

Anyhow, here's a brief list of hot/ not hot things in my life:

HOT: The Adam Carolla Radio Show My new favorite podcast. I feel like I'm cheating on Kornheiser, but when you're funny, you're funny. (*EDIT* Since I didn't really expand on many any thoughts during my late night post) He has an everyman down to earth vibe to him, which is always endearing to me. He's in the same comedy vein as a Norm MacDonald, which when he visits the show is probably the best half hour you'll hear all year. (unless he visits twice) There's some archieved gold of some of his visits last year over on iTunes or on the official website linked above.

HOT: Lost and the Wire are CRAZY right now. One more Wire to go (another good show bites the dust). Really the only TV I look forward to at the moment. Lost is really fun to watch again (last night literally figuratively simply just blew my mind) and I wish "someone" would catch up to the Wire so I can talk about it.

NOT HOT: Hypothetically, one of your employees call your house late at night, not on your work issued cell phone that's on vibrate, but on your house line that rings all through the house potentially waking your infant child, only to cry about something that definitely can wait till the next day. But this genius can't seem to get that concept due to the fact that he's a moron. Again, hypothetically speaking, that wouldn't be very hot.

NOT HOT: All the crying sissy's on American Idol when one of their fellow sucktestants get voted off. Have they never watched the show before? What did they think was going to happen? Did they think they were all going to win and become a successful latino teen group sensation like Menudo?

Free advice from the Cheese...grow a sac fella's. I can only pray that Glen Danzig is one of the celebrity advisor's in the coming weeks, and makes each and everyone of them sing "Mother". That's appointment television.

ad non-cents

Maybe you have noticed that I have incorporated some advertisements to this glorious web page (sell out). I struggled with the decision to go "corporate". I didn't want it to appear as if I was selling my soul to google and didn't want to offend the dozens of you who read. After many sleepless nights and chance encounters with Catholic Priests I made up my mind...

Who am I trying to kid? I had no idea this was an option. I mean, I can incorporate ads to the site, and if someone clicks on one, I get paid?! My first thought was, "Well, mini-me isn't going to get any cheaper, so a secondary form of income would be awesome.". My second thought was:

I'm going to be sooooo rich!

Well, let me break it down for you. I have no control over what ads are generated for the site. So lets say you're browsing low light years one morning and it's actually been updated. You have your pop tart in one hand, your mimosa in the other (we cater to high and low brow here at low light years) and you come across an ad for extra strength vagisil. You may think to yourself, "Oh that Erno!", and slap your knee. (carefully not to spill your mimosa) Well here's the little secret, I was not trying to be cute or funny...they just put it on the site. (although that would be hilarious)

But here's the great thing, the mere fact that I typed "extra strength vagisil" (twice now!)increases my odds of that ad appearing on the site. It somehow figures out what your site is about (good luck google) and caters the ads to it. That's why after posting my valentines/spring training and scrubs posts you might have noticed some ads for nursing and heart care.

Anyhow, back to me getting rich off this idea. Here's my latest statement:

For those with tiny monitors it says there have been 181 page visits, and one click on an ad for a total profit of six cents! By my calculations I should be breaking $1.oo in a year and a half. They don't even send you a check till $10, so that should arrive just in time to send the boy off to college. I'm sure that will be the cost of a pitcher by then.

You may be thinking, "Why don't you just get click happy and make yourself some mad scratch? You have previous experience. Yes, yes you do. Remember? You claim you single handedly vaulted Pearl Jam to the top request of the Bryce Jordan Center concert request a few years back." And if you're not thinking that, you may be thinking a variation of that. Well true believers, they have rules against this, and I'll lose the site if I break that agreement. I don't know how they know...I have a strong inkling there are google ninja's following my every move now... but they know. That goes for you too Dr. T. (How are you at blocking a throwing star with your bare hands?)

(or teeth)

So there's a little site background for you, and please, PLEASE, do not feel obligated to click anything unless you find yourself specifically interested in the ad. The ads aren't so much for you, the loyal readers, as much as they are for the poor sucker that happens to stumble across this mess of a blog. Those are the poor saps we're targeting. Suckers...

all you guys can blow

The above quote is straight from Randy Jackson's mouth. Yes, this can only mean one thing...MLW has brainwashed me into watching the soul devouring "American Idol".

Tonight the 12 guys that made it to Hollywood had their first crack at it. This is what I learned:

There's a dude that sounds like a muppet

A dude named Jacuzzi

A dude that (self admittedly?) looks like Ellen

And one that (that the Cheese admittedly thinks) looks like a young Travolta in dreads

Most noticeably, I learned that this show has more lisps than you can shake a rainbow flag at

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

But seriously, back stage must look like a Wednesday night at Elton John's. (or perhaps a Tuesday afternoon at Siegfried and Roy's?) Okay, alls I'm trying to say is that I haven't seen this many effeminate men in one place since my TV got stuck on the Disney Channel.

I honestly think I may need to drink some whiskey and listen to some Johnny Cash to detox. Maybe hunt a caribou with my bare hands.

Another Jackson quote particularly stood out for me. He described one of these "guys" performances as reminding him of Alice in Chains. I held back my dry heaves as I explained to MLW that not only did Layne Staley roll in his grave...he rolled right out of it, found the nearest crank dealer, and immediately OD'd again. Holly 'H', Clay Aiken must have sounded like early Metallica to these douche bags.

Losing is Winning

Lose it. Lose it on purpose. That is my advice to the Fightin' Phils as they head into arbitration tomorrow with Ryan Howard. Philadelphia is one of the largest baseball markets in the country yet they continue to make these boneheaded-cheap decisions. Also, he shows up to camp early and played for $900,000 the year after winning the MVP. While I admit that anytime spoiled athletes are arguing over 3 million dollars, it is tough for me to see the Phils goal with this. And why are they paying Freddy Garcia 10 million??

Anyway, enough complaining about the Phils (we all know The Cheese and I are going to be boring you with countless Phils-Mets whining). In the meantime, you can vote for the better off-season addition....

Johan or Mr. and Mrs Kris Benson??????









Should make for an interesting year. --Dr. T

sacred heart ache

Now that the writers strike is over and studios are scrambling to figure out their end of season line ups, I was left wondering what would happen to shows who were in their already announced final seasons. Mainly I was curious about Scrubs, a show that I'm not as into as I used to be, but still enjoy. This bit of news is straight from Scrubs creator Bill Lawrence:

• Show is expected to return in April with 5 pre strike episodes
• Unclear at this time if NBC will fund or air the rest of the episodes that remain to be produced. If they do, it will probably not be the full 18 that we were supposed to get. If they don't they will go directly to DVD release.
• Show will not wrap up in the fall. This is it.

So that's kinda crappy news. There are some things I don't get (not surprisingly).

1. Why would NBC not air the five episodes that Scrubs already had finished during this writers strike? Did American Gladiator and all the Law and Order's leave no room?
2. Why would NBC not give a show, that has had seven years of support, time to wrap up some episodes and thus the series with a more gracious send off?
3. Is there any other examples of a show with this type of tenure being treated this way as it heads out to pasture?

I suppose there's still time for a more favorable resolution to occur, but I know it will not sit well with me if there's a noticeable abrupt ending to a show that deserves better.

a heart warming day

If you don't have a warm tingle in your chest today, well...you're probably not consuming enough msg's....time to go get a baconater stat! Joking. Of course I'm talking about Pitchers and Catchers reporting for Spring Training!

This, more than Ground Hog Day, dictates how close spring is for me. Looking at the above picture brings back all the wonderful smells and sounds of baseball... a crisp spring day, the crack from a wooden bat, the fresh cut grass, the fresh spit tobacco (which according to my Pap's dentist is better for you than chewing gum. Mind you, my Pap's had false teeth as long as I've known him, so I don't know how recent this dental claim is.) And while we're on the topic of warm fuzzies, doesn't this just melt your heart?

In Dr. T's case, it may be indigestion. Good lord I'm getting pumped for some MLB action. Fantasy draft in a week and a half. Don't think I'm going to spare you some of those details. Lucky yuse guys. Happy Pitchers and Catchers Day everyone!

speaking of having too much time on your hands

mind numbing

Grab an aspirin and a strong drink, cause this is going to make your head hurt. Let me start by saying I'm a huge geek for continuity. I get more excited than I should when there's a reference from one tv series/movie/ book in a completely different tv series/movie/ book. Like how Charlie from the show Lost once dated a girl whose father worked for a paper factory in Slough. The paper factory in Slough is the paper factory of The Office (UK). I like seeing how everything is connected.

So what's this have to do with anything?

I stumbled across this site, TOMMY WESTPHALL'S MIND - A MULTIVERSE EXPLORED, that claims that St. Elsewhere (which I've never watched) and Homicide: Life on the Street (which I've never watched, but want to) connect to over 260 shows. Being a Wire fan, and knowing that Homicide: Life on the Street has many similarities and character ties to the Wire, I investigated some more.

There's this chart:

And this 15 page pdf text explaining the connections: Your eyes will cross by page 7

So if you feel like wasting an hour or so from your life and are curious to see how Homicide and St Elsewhere exist within the same fictional sphere as Buffy, Seinfeld, Walker Texas Ranger, Fresh Prince of Bel Air, The White Shadow, Alf, Lost, Cop Rock, Ellen, M*A*S*H, The X-Files, Parker Lewis Can't Lose, The Jeffersons... and a whole host of others, feel free to devle into that site.

I honestly can't see how your interest wouldn't be piqued, trying to see the ties between Alf and Cop Rock.

grammy abundance

I must live in a cave, apparently the Grammy's were held last night. I'm pretty sure before I die, I can procure one of these bad boys.

They give out more of these than the dope corner boys sling on The Wire. For example, here is a sampling of the rock and roll/ alternative genre's awards:

• Alternative Music Album: "Icky Thump," The White Stripes.
• Rock Album: "Echoes, Silence, Patience & Grace," Foo Fighters.
• Rock Song: "Radio Nowhere,"Bruce Springsteen, songwriter (Bruce Springsteen).
• Solo Rock Vocal Performance: "Radio Nowhere," Bruce Springsteen.
• Rock Performance by a Duo or Group With Vocals: "Icky Thump," The White Stripes.
• Hard Rock Performance: "The Pretender," Foo Fighters.
• Metal Performance: "Final Six," Slayer.
• Rock Instrumental Performance: "Once Upon a Time in The West," Bruce Springsteen.
  

Don't get me wrong, I'm a fan of most of those Bands/ Songs, it just seems to me that perhaps they've diluted the awards experience a bit. And if Slayer doesn't win Metal every year, then I'm guessing perhaps Megadeth or Pantera does. Maybe Fantasy Sports can help us figure this out. I can unequivocally say that Slayer was robbed for the Musical Album for Children category, which went to The Muppets for "A Green and Red Christmas". I'm afraid Slayer is becoming the Susan Lucci of this category.

Another notable win:

• Comedy Album: "The Distant Future," Flight of the Conchords

And yes, that is for you Matt S. See, if I know you read my crap, I'll throw you a bone. (sort of like how I "threw" you out of my house yesterday.)

new segment!

Wait? Aren't these all new segments?

gut feeling movie reviews

I'll be reviewing some movies that I haven't seen or read anything about. I don't feel I need to be any more informed than having seen trailers, tv ads, or know the caliber of actors in the flick.

First up, Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins.

Crap.





(I was going to leave it as a one word review, but I feel I'd be cheating my fans with the "literary gold" that is about to be typed.)

The only thing this movie has going for it is that it has "Roscoe" in the title, and it will make people think about Dukes of Hazzard, which is kick ass. However, this movie...not so much. I give it five turds down.


Next up- Step Up 2 The Streets.

I strongly urge you to make reservations and take your significant other to this when it comes out on Valentines Day....


....only if you can't find a broken beer bottle or rusty scissors to jam in her eyes. Which I can only assume would be a significant upgrade to your evening than sitting through this bag of rotting feces.

(too harsh?)


Lastly, Rambo IV


No real complete thoughts, just some quotes I'd allow them to put on a movie poster if they wish.

"A bloody good family film"
"2008's 'Shakespear in Love"
"Stalone is this generations Jimmy Stewart"
"Only lacking one thing...you guessed it...Frank Stalone"

dude...what the puck?!

I was going to save this for resident Flyer's fan, Dr. T, but then I remembered he didn't know if one of the Flyer's all stars was named Kimmo Timonen or Timmo Kimonen.

I've been attempting to watch more NHL and stumbled across a Saturday afternoon game while hanging with my infant clone. This is what I witnessed:



And for the record, it's Kimmo Timonen.
_________________________________________________

a what the puck?! amendment:
Zednik in stable condition after having surgery on cut neck
Don't know if two incidents qualifies as a rash of skate to face/ neck injuries, but it's more than I can remember in recent history. There's plenty of video of this one out there if you care to watch. Ughh.

really?

Listen, let me preface this story by saying that I'm a huge baseball fan. Some might say baseball was my first love. Well you might be thinking to yourself that "some" is not a very "credible" source. Cause maybe "some" might say that I'm 6' 4" with 2% body fat.

What? Everyone accepts Elli Manning as Super Bowl MVP, but this is hard to swallow?

Okay...you might be on to something. Listen folks, my mom was telling me I was "big boned" a decade before Cartman was declaring the same.

Alright, I'm a little off topic. My point is, this is a little much, don't you think?

Nearly 100 Red Sox fans turned out to send off the equipment truck on its journey to Spring Training

I mean...I wouldn't show up to send off any Mets equipment.

(well...maybe Ho Jo's cup)

240 dollars worth of pudding: the movie

Good news State fans. I stumbled across some blogs and interviews that Michael Showalter was doing last fall to promote his new comedy album Sandwiches and Cats.

Multiple times he mentions a State reunion and possible movie. Here's an example from My Old Kentucky Blog

By Michael Showalter...

I'd like to be the first to announce on My Old Kentucky Blog that The State is reuniting (though in truth we never broke up) to make a sketch comedy movie. All I can say about it is that we're back together after a brief ten year break and it's going to be about the history of our country. Hopefully, funny. While we're getting that up on it's feet I decided to make a comedy record. It's called Sandwiches & Cats and I called it that because Cats & Sandwiches was too easy to say. Sandwiches & Cats is a little harder to say. It rolls off the tongue less easily. I was going to call it just Sandwiches but then a woman brought two cats to my live taping and they meowed through the entire recording so it seemed appropriate to add it to the title considered that they were providing most of the laugh track.

This would go in my "Things I'm Jacked up about" list, but I never recieved any word back on my essay from the "Sleep with the State Concept" back in the 90's.

kentucky fried pedro

I can't wait for the inevitable PETA protest outside of Shea...

Video posted of Pedro, Juan Marichal at cockfight

A video of New York Mets pitcher Pedro Martinez and Hall of Famer Juan Marichal at a cockfight was posted this week on YouTube.

Martinez and Marichal laugh before releasing the roosters. The two took part as honorary "soltadores," the word used to describe the person who puts the animal to fight.The animal released by Martinez appears to be killed on the video, which was posted Tuesday. The fight takes place in the Coliseo de Gallos (Rooster Coliseum) in Santo Domingo, the Dominican Republic's biggest cockfighting venue. Cockfighting is legal and popular in the Dominican Republic.

By early Thursday, the video was removed "due to terms of use violation."

Maybe he was just there to see Little Jerry?

I’m afraid I just blue myself

Being a huge Arrested Development fan from day one, I was more than over-joyed at recieving this bit of good news via Matt S.

Exclusive! Jason Bateman Confirms Arrested Development Movie Talks

To clear up any confusion, I'm reffering to the under appreciated, under promoted, fox cult comedy, "Arrested Development"....not the out-dated, Tennesse singing, hip-hop group of the same name.

With that being said...

Excuse me, do these effectively hide my thunder?

bold prediction

So yeah, apparently there's a big game this weekend? It's not getting as much hype as one would imagine, so I'm going to help. Like I always say when I paraphrase Sally Struthers, "every little bit helps".

So right, this is a pretty, pretty big game. I mean, the Red Wings are kinda good this year, and well, the Bruins are scrappy and injury plagued, but still plugging along. I'm looking forward to checking this game out Saturday night. (since Center Ice is free this week!) (yes, the comcast gods have thrown us a frick'n bone)

And as for that other game this weekend...well, since you're asking...my best case scenario prediction is this: Patriots all get gravely ill after using Brady's Stetson cologne. Some use it as directed, others get creative. (i.e. Moss smoked his) Needless to say, they end up having to forfeit. In the spirit of Broadway and having a "show must go on" attitude, the 13 year old punt, pass and kick team from Phoenix is called upon to face the New York Giants. As you might have guessed, the Phoenix ppk team mops the Giants up and down the field for four straight quarters. Not sure if Vegas is listing this scenario as a prop bet yet, but keep your eyes out. This one is on me, next time I'm asking for 10%. You're welcome.

something you've probably seen on other web sites that I thought was funny, but maybe you didn't see, so here it is...